Achieved | Achievement | % of players | Unlock date |
|---|---|---|---|
 | R. Kelly's Protege Pissed in someone's face until they puked from it. | 81.6% | 28/05/2017, 14:47:12 |
 | Friend of Dorothy Successfully hid from the police at max wanted level. | 76.18% | |
 | Well, aren't YOU a badass Kicked open a door. | 70.07% | 28/05/2017, 14:42:52 |
 | Duck Dynasty Used a Bass Sniffer Radar. | 64.77% | 30/05/2017, 18:55:15 |
 | Someone's got a case of the Mondays! Survived Monday. | 59.98% | 28/05/2017, 15:20:41 |
 | Here, Wilfred Gained your first dog helper. | 58.66% | 28/05/2017, 14:42:52 |
 | Taxidermy with Chuck Testa Used a cat to "accessorize" your gun. | 57.36% | 28/05/2017, 15:10:11 |
 | Officer McLovin' Asked a police officer to sign your petition. | 51.44% | 16/06/2017, 15:05:05 |
| I don't know whether to kiss you or kill you Put out someone that's on fire. | 47.69% | |
| It's sterile and I like the taste Sucked down your own piss. | 44.92% | |
 | It's not cheating, because it's YOUR dog Played "fetch" with your dog... using a severed human head. | 41.04% | 28/05/2017, 14:42:52 |
| Finkle IS Einhorn! Gave a kickoff to a severed head. | 40.67% | |
| C U Next Tuesday Survived Tuesday. | 35.82% | |
| Lieberman is our Leader! Killed all of the video game protestors at the RWS Office. | 34.53% | |
 | It's OK, we got Greenlit anyway Killed someone who refused to sign your petition. | 33.02% | 16/06/2017, 15:05:32 |
 | Fur Sure! Showed Vince and Mike J. what you thought of them. | 31.65% | 28/05/2017, 14:40:23 |
| Do you even Enzyte, bro? Unzipped your pants and got 3 women to laugh at it. | 29.46% | |
| OMG, NEW MODERN FAMILY TONIGHT! Survived Wednesday. | 28% | |
| Sheriff Arpaio would be proud. Killed 30 or more people of each skin color. | 25.97% | |
| OMG, WE'RE HAVING A FIRE...sale Roasted 30 people with fire. | 23.14% | |
| And THAT'S why you never get out of the tree Killed all of the book protestors in the library. | 22.09% | |
| It must be Thursday, I could never get the hang of Thursdays Survived Thursday. | 21.42% | |
| GOOD MORNING VIETNAM! Burned 5 people with the same can of napalm. | 20.87% | |
| I swear, I am NOT Marcellus Wallace Killed 10 bystanders while wearing the gimp outfit. | 19.52% | |
| Where's Mr. McGibblets? Gave Krotchy the bad touch. | 19.35% | |
| Gotta pay the Troll Toll Found one of the hidden underground sewers. | 18.42% | |
| Door Mat Severed all of somebody's limbs without killing them. | 18.35% | |
| Workin' for the Weekend Survived Friday. | 17.91% | |
| Hutton Gibson Can't Deny This! Killed over 1,000 people. | 17.72% | |
| Can't Touch This Exploded 30 heads via sledgehammer to the face. | 17.46% | |
| FAB-U-LOUS! Wore all three outfits. | 15.49% | |
| Screw Bill Lumbergh! Survived Saturday. | 15.31% | |
| Paid the Piper Successfully bribed your way out of an arrest. | 15.15% | |
| You are not alone Observed an NPC going POSTAL! | 14.64% | |
| Darth Maul'd! Sliced 30 people in half with the scythe. | 14.51% | |
| Chuck Norris'd! Killed someone with a flying jump kick. | 13.15% | |
| Running With Scissors Ran 30 miles while holding the scissors. | 11.32% | |
| I swear, I thought it was a home fill Exploded a nuclear bomb. | 10.87% | |
| Shiva Blast "Lost" your sledgehammer to a cow. | 10.57% | |
| A-Rod Who? Whacked a severed head 50 meters or more with the shovel. | 10.55% | |
| Anger Management With Roger Clemens Nailed a fleeing bystander with a tossed sledgehammer. | 10.54% | |
| Reddit would be proud. Hoarded 15 or more cats at a time. | 10.33% | |
| Thanks for the money! Finished all seven days. | 10.29% | |
| Rebecca Black's Nightmare Totaled 30 cars. | 10.22% | |
| Rick Grimes 4 Life Made 30 zombies lose their heads. | 10.2% | |
| There's always money in the banana stand Found the secret bank exit on Monday. | 10.13% | |
| I Am Legend Committed suicide... the Taliban way. | 10.09% | |
| I should buy a boat Read the newspaper every day. | 9.53% | |
| Chapelle's Show Lured a police officer with a piss-soaked donut. | 9.42% | |
 | GABAGOOOOOL! Reunited with an old friend. | 8.91% | |
| Señor Cornballer Ate 30 donuts while wearing the police officer's uniform. | 8.91% | |
| Found 'em faster than GWB Discovered the hidden Taliban base. | 8.85% | |
| John Rambo'd! Made a very long killing spree. | 7.48% | |
| RAFIBOMB!!! Kicked 10 people in the balls. | 7.43% | |
| Holocaust: Part Deux Reunited with an old enemy. | 7.26% | |
| Cesar Millan is Very Happy Mauled 30 people with your dog. | 7.15% | |
| One time, at band camp... Saved the marching band from explody death. | 6.88% | |
| I don't need virgins for this Suicide-bombed a Taliban member. | 6.85% | |
| Ginger Mint Killed Zack Ward. | 6.4% | |
| Rain on your Wedding Day Reunited with an old flame. | 6.36% | |
 | I'm not even supposed to be here today! Waited 13 real world years to see an in-game Easter egg. Thanks for sticking with us! | 6.28% | |
| Don't taze me, bro! Zapped 20 innocent bystanders with the tazer while wearing the police officer's uniform. | 6.04% | |
| Uncle T-Bag Escaped from the maximum-security jail cell. | 5.93% | |
| Pussy on a Pedestal Slaughtered 10 dogs with a kitty-silenced shotgun. | 5.71% | |
| Watchu' Talkin' 'Bout Muhammad Reunited with a former child star and an infamous terrorist leader. | 5.65% | |
| Hello, Newman Kicked 30 dogs. | 5.31% | |
| Fear and Loathing Smoked over 10 "health" pipes and 10 tins of catnip in one play session. | 5.03% | |
| Ape Gape Escaped the Animal Control Center with all monkeys alive. | 4.74% | |
| Gettin DP'd Made 30 kills while dual-wielding. | 4.72% | |
| BioShocked Spent $2000 on vending machines. | 4.7% | |
| Michonne ain't got nothin' on me Resurrected a zombie corpse for your own nefarious purposes. | 4.69% | |
| SCREW that game! Found the hidden copy of POSTAL III and peed on it. | 4.65% | |
| Better than POSTAL III Rescued your loyal companion. | 4.44% | |
| Gary vs. The K. Man Discovered the Gary vs. Krotchy arena during the Apocalypse. | 4.22% | |
| Dick Message Wasted no time with the Wise Wang. | 4.2% | |
| Ladies Love Cake Defeated your hateful ex-wife with delicious cake. | 4.15% | |
| Planet of the Apes: The Musical Completed the game (any mode) on Hestonworld difficulty. | 4.03% | |
| Anustart! Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with no kills. | 3.96% | |
| 40 Year Old Virgin Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with a total play time of 1:30:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times.) | 3.84% | |
| CAN YOU DIG IT?! Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode using only the Shovel to kill. (Must kill at least 30 people.) | 3.67% | |
| Hobo Sexual Collected money for charity without stealing from Zack Ward. | 3.54% | |
| PooMasher Bought the toilet paper instead of stealing it. | 3.52% | |
| Scientology Level: OT VIII Completed the "A Week In Paradise" game mode on POSTAL difficulty. | 3.49% | |
| Rich on Reddit Sold 30 cats at the Cash 4 Cats vendors. | 3.33% | |
| You Snow Nothing John Blow Peed on all of the snowmen in the Nuclear Winter zone. | 3.2% | |
| Ode to Eddings Deactivated all of the Vend-A-Cure XJ-2 units. | 3.07% | |
| Adderall4All Completed Paradise Lost with a total play time of 1:45:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times.) | 2.87% | |
| My Name is Jesus Completed Paradise Lost with no kills. | 2.84% | |
| Harder than r/gonewild Completed Paradise Lost on POSTAL difficulty. | 2.81% |